


In Her Arms

by fabulously_frenzied



Series: ML Oneshots [13]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression warning, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Juleka has anxiety and the show did nothing good about it, Julerose - Freeform, Oneshot, Reflekdoll spoilers, Self-harm Warning, Suicidal Thoughts, anxiety warning, but if you can't read about something like that, fluff with a fair amount of angst, post episode: s03e16 Reflekdoll, suicide warning, then please take care of yourself by not reading this, there is not enough julerose on this site, there's no actual suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 17:14:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20678978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabulously_frenzied/pseuds/fabulously_frenzied
Summary: Anxiety's a bitch, and Hawk Moth's an even bigger bitch. Juleka feels like everything real is escaping her, and the world is nothing but dark.That's when one light shines brighter than ever before.Spoilers for Reflekdoll.





	In Her Arms

**Author's Note:**

> I have major problems with the way the show addressed Juleka's evident anxiety, and I'm living for the fics that have come out of that episode not for the power swap, but for Juleka (herself, as well as her relationships with others, but especially for herself. She has so much potential that just needs to be recognized, and she deserves so much more love).  
Additionally, Hawk Moth can fuck off. It's bad enough that his abuse of power means exploiting people's negative emotions, which is just a natural part of human life, but taking advantage of Juleka's anxiety attack for his own personal gain? I'm going to murder him, and then Astruc and Zagtoon. No one hurts my girl like that.

Being akumatized once had been bad enough.

Juleka doesn't think she'll ever forget the way her mind clouded over with pure anger that fateful picture day. It had been all she could feel, and she doesn't remember anything else from her time as a villain except for unadulterated hatred for one Chloé Bourgeois.

Twice, though, had been like a nightmare come to life.

She's seen what little footage Alya managed to capture for the LadyBlog. She's heard what she said to Rose, about how they'd be "best friends forever," nothing more. And just when Ladyboy had freed her from the akuma? She got turned back into a monster by that giant doll, stuck for good until the robot was put out of commission. 

She wishes none of it had happened.

Head low, bangs down, Juleka fights tears as she walks as quickly as possible back to the houseboat after Marinette's little photo shoot finished. If she hadn't stepped up to be her model, none of this would have happened. If she hadn't stayed silent when Marinette asked if she was okay, none of this would have happened. _If she hadn't, if she hadn't, if she hadn't..._

Walking faster still, she continues looking down, gravity doing nothing to prevent the tears spilling from her eyes. Black tears, hitting the pavement hard, each one a reminder of her mistakes. She wants them to stop, she doesn't want to look at them anymore, but she can't let anyone see her face now. She tried that once; look how well _that_ went for her. If she gets akumatized for a third time, she'll break. _No,_ she mentally chides herself, _ don't think about that. Don't give him that power. Just keep walking, just keep walking, just keep walking... _

The chilly evening breeze sweeps off the Seine and sends a shiver down Juleka's spine. She crosses her arms, rubbing them for the little heat provided by the friction, fingers brushing over every scar she's left on her forearms, the ones nobody else has noticed but her brother, whom she hadn't heard knocking on her door one night over all the voices in her head. Her hands clench around her arms, and she can feel nearly every muscle and tendon over her frail bones underneath her paper skin. How fragile it all was. How easy it would be to break, to tear apart. 

She doesn't notice how she's been walking closer and closer to the edge of the dock until she feels the harsh spray of the river biting at her legs. Why did everything have to hurt so much? She looks out over the water and thinks. The Seine has always spoken to her in a way nothing else has, always moving, never stopping for anyone. Juleka wishes she could be like that, uncaring about everyone around her. It would make this futile life so much easier, not to have to worry about the judgement of others, or the fact that it feels like no one ever even paid any attention to her.

Thoughts like those were the ones that led her to looking out over the docks on her way home from school, thinking about how she didn't _have_ to go home. The Seine was right there, beckoning, beckoning,

_beckoning..._

_"Bijou?"_

Juleka's eyes snap open, the voices in her mind outraged at the interruption. She can't turn around. She can't. She can't face her right now.

"Juleka, can you hear me? Please say something."

Her body shudders. _Don't turn around. She can't see you like this._

She hears the girl step onto the dock behind her. "Juleka, is it okay if I touch your shoulders?"

She nods. Small hands rest gently on her shoulders, the girl still behind her.

"I would like to walk off of the dock. Is it okay with you if we walk off of the dock together?" Juleka nods again, no words escaping her mouth because she knows she'd choke on them. Talking could be so _suffocating_ sometimes. "I will need you to turn around. Can you do that for me?" Shakily, she turns, still facing away from her girlfriend, head down. Her hands are stained black. 

Rose’s hand remains on her shoulder, steadfast. Juleka’s body is still shaking, and it’s like her brain has disconnected itself from the rest of her, because she can’t feel anything—except Rose’s hand on her shoulder. In the cold of the evening, Rose is the only warmth she’s felt all day. They step off the creaking dock, away from the spray of the Seine, toward a bench off the sidewalk. Her brain snaps back in place with her body and she collapses onto the bench, Rose rushing to keep her from hitting her head against the wood. Her girlfriend’s arms cradle her shoulders, and Juleka buries her head in Rose’s neck and _sobs. _

“I love you,” Rose whispers against her. “I love you so much, and I will always do my best to be by your side. I want you to know that I care about you a lot, and it makes me very sad to see you get hurt, whether physically or emotionally.”

  


That’s all that’s said for a while, Rose allowing her girlfriend to cry and to breathe and to understand she loves her. They sit just like that for who know how long, neither was paying attention to anything but the other. Probably an hour or two, given that the sun is currently beginning to sink behind the river, casting a rose-gold glow of sunset across the water.

Juleka's eyes have finally dried when she hears Rose say, "If that Hawk Moth ever shows his stupid face again, I'm going to slap him three times: first for you, second for myself, and third for everyone else in Paris."

She smiles for the first time that evening, and laughs for the first time in weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> _bijou:_ jewel, gem
> 
> If you or somebody you care about has serious problems with anxiety and/or depression, please go find help. Nothing is hopeless, and there are people who really, really care about you.
> 
> My asks are always open on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fabulously-frenzied<tumblr</a), if any of you ever just want to talk. I am here for you.


End file.
